his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
