Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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