Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
