Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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