She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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