hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
