We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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