i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke