So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
