She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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