She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
