Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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