ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
