im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
