I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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