i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
