My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
