You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
