ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
