I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am naked and annoyed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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