God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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