That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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