He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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