there's paper in my vomit.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
