Swine flu. Run for my life!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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