I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
