someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
