bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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