I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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