im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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