Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I believe in your delicious
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
