Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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