i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
