I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
