Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
