I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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