why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i've created a new STD.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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