Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
