I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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