Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
