im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
