are you so shy because you have an std?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
