First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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