she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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