When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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