lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
