just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love you.
Bad choice
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