I cannot find my penis.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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