I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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