His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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