I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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