Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
