when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Holy sore nipples Batman
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
