I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
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And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
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Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I am available for nakedness
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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