Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
