So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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